


Revolution

by centroid



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Aromantic, Asexual, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-21
Updated: 2015-12-21
Packaged: 2018-05-08 04:10:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5482790
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/centroid/pseuds/centroid
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He really should have picked up on something, but movies just over romanticized everything, right?<br/>“Will you be my boyfriend?” felt suffocating.<br/>"I love you" felt wrong. </p><p> </p><p>For Dan, his feelings are a mess, but he's trying to figure it out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Revolution

**Author's Note:**

> ugh time for another story based on my life "yay" i also fell asleep and now its like 3:30 in the morning so i could care less about everything rn. enjoy.

For the first time in over a year, Dan _looks_  emotionless. He _seems_  empty, but the reality- _his_  reality is crashing around him in a tornado, destroying everything he thought was okay, normal, and right. He can’t stop it. He should have noticed sooner. He internally ridicules himself, because now he has someone hung up on him, and he can't feel a damn thing back. He wants to scream, rip his dull brown hair out and punch the fucking window out because he’s broken, but instead he stays quiet like a ragdoll, letting the tornado wash through him; destroying everything, including his heart.

What would it matter anyway, it’s not like he can use it.

Memories flash behind his eyelids, reminding of him of exactly why he was abnormal, and he can’t help but let out a sob.

~~~

At 14, Dan thought about if someone that he had a ‘crush’ on, liked him back. He cringed, “Well what’s the fun in that?”

The mere thought of being with the person was pleasing, he would say. Execution, it seemed, was “boring”.

Dan should have realized the difference between romantic attraction, and his mind taking platonic admiration and turning it into what everyone else could already feel.

He should have known something was wrong back then.

~~~

At the age of 16, Dan thought no different. When James said he liked Dan, the brunette's heart skipped a beat. Not for the sake of excitement, but in fear. Yeah, Dan loved being fauned over, and yeah, James seemed pretty cool, why not?

~~~

A week later, he was asked out by James. Anyones dream. Yeah- maybe 16 was a little late, but Dan could never be bothered to actually date. It seemed rather juvenile- to date when a breakup was inevitable. At this point, Dan knew who he was… for the most part. He knew he was better off alone. He was a loner in his heart, but his lungs were social butterflies. He knew he didn’t attach himself to others, and he knew it was normal to want to have a girlfriend or boyfriend by now. He had never been in a serious relationship before, but there’s a first for everything, right? Maybe if he was in a relationship, he would see the appeal.

But while all his friends told him that being in a relationship felt free and amazing, even the offer of “will you be my boyfriend?” felt suffocating. He felt pressured. He felt as though he couldn’t say no, or even think about his answer, as the friendship he had with James would be destroyed. He valued friendships over romantic relationships. Romantic feelings never lasted, and they would always end. But if it ended badly because of him rejecting James, he would feel horrible. But he was _supposed_  to want this. Everyone falls in love, don’t they?

So he plastered a smile on his face, ignored his racing heart and said ‘yes’ in the sweetest voice he could muster.

Because people are _built_  to fall in love.

So maybe he could get used to it. Maybe the feeling that his life was a lie would grow numb and it would become normal. 

_Because falling in love is normal._

He really hoped he would stop feeling like a caged animal.

Everything he did felt disgusting. Every move he made felt strained, and watched. He wanted to cry because even when he went out to dinner with his mom and sister who was actually home from across the country, he felt like he was drowning. He could barely get out a sentence without his throat constricting and his eyes tearing up. He wanted to cry, because family was his peace, his stability and even that was tainted by his own mind.

 ~~~

Dan also should have realized at his first kiss. He really should have picked up on something, but movies just over romanticized _everything_ , right?

He was supposed to feel something, wasn’t he? Maybe James wasn’t ‘the one’ and that’s why he felt nothing more than skin touching? He was supposed to close his eyes, wasn’t he. 

_Did he do something wrong?_

He didn’t know, so he ran to his door, and he was pretty sure happy was his emotion, but the smile didn’t reach his eyes. Not that he was thinking about that.

The more he thought about it, the more the idea of flesh smushing together wasn’t appealing, but he was still smiling. He was supposed to smile.

 _Because people fell in love_ _with_ _other people._

People wanted to love other people.

That’s how it worked.

~~~

One month into their relationship, James texted Dan during class saying he wanted to tell the brunette something.

Dan tried to get it out of him, but James wasn’t having it, and Dan had a lump in his throat.

So after school, Dan and his friend Phil ventured into auditorium, and Phil made his way to the stage, giving the couple their space. Dan glared at the back of his head while he approached James.

Dan was greeted with a kiss, and he -as always- forgot to close his eyes.

Dan was scared because he knew what James was going to say.

“I love you.”

Dan panicked. He panicked because he was right. He was terrified, he knew James was going to say that and he really should have lied about needing to be home right after school.

He didn’t know what to say, so he stared at the wall behind James’ head and said “I love you too.” His voice was shaky and he hoped his boyfriend- he still cringed at the word- didn’t notice.

He didn’t.

Every time James told him he loved Dan, the brunette said it back, and he felt guilty, because he knew he didn’t feel it. He didn’t even know what that emotion felt like, but he ignored the thought.

~~~

“And you didn’t say it back just because I said it, right?” James looked up at Dan through his lashes, And the brunette was stuck.

He did say it back because James said it, but it’s not like he could say that.

“No, why the hell would you say that?” Dan sassed. He hated being questioned about his motives, and James seemed to do it all the time.

“I just don’t want you to feel pressured into saying it just because I did. Only say it if you _want_  to, okay?” James asked, and Dan breathed a small sigh of relief.

“Okay.”

“I love you.” James stated.

“I know.” Dan smiled, and he felt a little more free.

So he stopped saying it all together.

~

“What’s wrong? You never say you love me anymore.” Dan’s boyfriend asked him over skype, and Dan sighed. Dan didn’t understand, James always wanted to skype, and the second they left each other's presence, James would spew “I miss you,” and “I love you.” And Dan didn't understand it. He didn’t get a pull in his chest telling him he wanted to be near someone, he didn’t get a physical pain in his heart telling him that he ‘loved’ someone. He was starting to question the integrity of that very word.

He kept reminding himself that he was new to this relationship thing, so he used that as his excuse. But something nagged at the back of his mind telling him it should be innate. He squished the thought, quickly blaming his awkwardness. 

“You said I didn’t have to say it if I don’t want to.” Dan stated with his eyes glued to his keyboard, and James was at a loss for words.

“But why don’t you want to say it?” James pushed. When Dan looked up, James had a pained expression on his face that made Dan unable to say anything near the truth.

 _Because I don't feel it._  “Because I don’t want to overuse it.” Dan gushed. “My family is my priority, and I only use it for them, really.”

James still looked hurt, but Dan pretended not to see, quickly changing the topic.

~~~

On their two month anniversary, Phil started a group chat with the couple on facebook, and named it “Happy Anniversary”

Dan’s cheeks flushed from embarrassment. Phil was highly aware of their relationship, always hanging out with the two.

Dan and Phil had become attached at the hip, and James was taking notice. He would always point it out, and Dan felt bad, but he clicked more with Phil. Everything was always comfortable with Phil. They were so much alike, it felt natural. Everytime he and James hung out, it was sex, kisses, and romantic stuff that made Dan feel naive and sick. Not only that, but he didn’t care for any of it. He never felt the need to be with someone, and all the stuff that came with it seemed rather annoying. He wasn’t embarrassed to be in a relationship with James, per say- but he felt ridiculed by the things they did in front of other people and behind closed doors, but he couldn’t shake the feeling of being watched.

“Would you rather date Phil, is that it?” James hissed at Dan, staring him down from across the room.

Dan’s eyebrows furrowed. “No. Why would you think that?”

“Because you’re constantly on him, you’re not like that to me, and I’m your fucking boyfriend!”

The brunette glared at James, because he was right. “He’s my friend.”

“Yeah, and I’m your boyfriend.” James sighed after seeing the lost expression on Dan’s face. “So you don’t like Phil?” James questioned again, and Dan got mad.

“No, what the fuck. I can’t be friends with him? Or is that suddenly the equivalent of asking him to fuck me? If I wanted to be in a relationship with him, then I wouldn’t be with you. Stop doubting me. I’m in a relationship with you, If I didn’t want to be, then I wouldn’t.” Dan snapped, cringing. How dare James question him. Of all people, James should know that Dan doesn’t do things he doesn’t want to do.

James didn’t respond, so Dan mumbled a ‘bye’ and left to go home.

The thought printed his mind. 

_Maybe you don't want to be in a relationship?_

~~~

“We rarely hang out.” James said after school on Monday.

“We saw each other two days ago.” Dan deadpanned.

“We only hang out every couple of weeks. I miss you.” James insisted.

“You see me everyday after school.” Dan pushed, not understanding.

“For 15 minutes! Thats not ‘seeing’ you.” James whined, and Dan was tired.

They were either talking about sex or fighting.

“To me, two days or two weeks makes no difference.” Dan muttered, and maybe it was harsh, but James needed to realize Dan wasn’t like him.

Dan didn’t rely on other people.

So that night, Dan went over to James’ house, expecting to watch a movie, but all James had in mind was sex.

A few times Dan was lost in the feeling of James’ lips sucking his neck, but it never lasted long before his mind took over again.

The brunette locked his eyes to the screen and let his boyfriend do what he wanted.

The pleasure was good, not enough, but that wasn’t hurting anyone.

~~~

It was when James started talking about getting married, having children and being together for their whole lives that Dan got _really_  freaked out. He would mumble a ‘yeah’ or ‘maybe’ to all of it, not actually thinking that their relationship was ever that serious.

They were in _high school_ , there was _nothing_  serious about their relationship.

James was stuck to the notion that their love was true, real and forever- while Dan was pretending to feel an emotion he never felt for anyone other than family.

~~~

When three months rolled around, Dan was tired. He was tired of constantly having to talk to James, even more so in a romantic manor. He was tired of the cheesy good morning and good night messages (he was never a fan of those). He was tired of the simple task of being with someone, and he wanted it to stop. He subconsciously started treating James like a friend, and he noticed rather quickly. One night James actually brought it up, and Dan was excited, because he could finally be free.

Two hours and a lot of miscommunication later, the two were broken up. James kept saying how “The thought of you with someone else makes me sick”, but that confused Dan. He didn’t want to be with anyone, that’s why he broke up with James. He wanted to be alone. Somehow, James couldn’t understand that easily, so Dan kept telling him over than over again.

When he was home, he started dancing around his room, and this time- the smile reached his eyes.   
In the morning, every single text from James was either a ‘fuck you’ to Dan, or a ‘pity me’ to the world. Dan was beyond sick of it, but he questioned if he made the right decision. So he talked to his mom. His mom always knew what to do. She told him how he was his own person, and he had the choice to end things if he wanted. No one could take away that right.

And it made him feel better.

~~~

Eight months passed and if you asked Dan if he was happy being alone he would smile, and say, “Why wouldn’t I be?”

James and Dan were friends again. Dan could do all the things he never wanted to do while in a relationship with the older, but he felt comfortable now. He felt at ease, and he was happy with it. He could hold hands, cuddle, kiss his cheek because  _it didn't mean anything_ and he was content with it. 

He never thought the word ‘single’ fit him very much. Single meant you intended to be in a relationship at some point.

But then things changed between him and his friend Ryan. The friendly messages became something more, and Dan didn’t have a problem with it. It was harmless, unserious and young, and that’s what he liked.

What Dan should have been aware of, is where the lines between platonic and romantic blurred. Dan thought he was finally falling in love.

One night, there was an eclipse, so Dan was laying on the cold pavement of his driveway, watching the sky. A shooting star flew by. Dan’s eyes widened because he’d never seen one in real life. He quickly closed his eyes, and wished.

_I hope everything works out this time._

~~~

Dan was in the car with his mom, and things had gotten quiet. So he decided to ask what was on his mind.

“What is your definition of love?” Dan said, and his voice was shaky.

His mom was silent for a long while. Anyone else would have thought she ignored the question, but Dan knew. She was thinking.

“I think love is sacrifice. Intimate and private. Sweet, hard, worth it. It’s an overwhelming feeling. What’s your definition of love?” She asked Dan back. He thought for a while as well.

Dan turned his head to look out the window. “I don’t know.” He stared at the grass they were zooming past in the midnight light, and he had an overwhelming urge to lie in the soft grass and just watch the stars.

~~~

Then Ryan told Dan how he felt, and everything came crashing down. 

The panic was back, drowning his hearing in a sea of heartbeat, and He couldn't even see straight.

The feeling of hopelessness came back, and Dan didn’t know what to do. He thought this time it was working out, he was so confused.

So he pretended. Dan blamed it on different things because  _emotions can't vanish into thin air._

~~~

He acted like he still felt the same for Ryan, but he didn’t, and Ryan was noticing.  He felt nothing where love should be. But it wasn’t love. Dan never wanted to even kiss Ryan. He had no romantic feelings toward the other since the start, but the platonic feelings that he did feel, vanished. Dan didn’t understand.

~~~

Dan’s thoughts were broken by a low feeling in his chest, and he can't help but tear up again.

Dan feels broken, hopeless and meaningless and maybe it was conceided but he needs someone to make him feel _normal_.

So he calls Phil. Four rings sound before the older picks up, and Dan tries to hold himself together for one more second.

“Hello?” Phil’s voice floats through the phone, and Dan brakes.

“Phil.” Dan’s voice cracks, and he lets out a gut wrenching sob because he had thought he was normal, he thought he was just gay or just liked different genders but instead he can’t feel anything for _anyone_  and he’s just like a broken toy that should just be throw-

“Dan? What’s wrong?” concern is dripping down Phil’s throat and it’s _real_  and it makes Dan smile through his tears. It didn’t last- however, since the weight on his shoulders was too heavy, and he was sinking. “I’m coming over.” Phil states, and Dan silently agrees because being home alone means being alone with his thoughts and they tear him apart inside out. Dan brings his knees up to his chest, and wraps his arms around them.

Two minutes later the front door opens. Dan doesn’t move but his sniffles are still loud and he’s occasionally sobbing but he’s trying to be strong. Although, being strong is hard to do when you’re own mentality is scattered across the ground like a deck of playing cards.

“Dan.” Phil chokes out. He hates seeing Dan like this, not that it happens often. The younger doesn’t open his eyes but he can hear Phil move across the room to sit in front of him on his bed. The brunette stuffs his head into his knees. A light touch comes to rest on Dan’s hand, and he dares to look up. “What’s wrong bear?”  

“I’m-” Dan starts, but his chest heaves and he feels like he’s crushing himself. “Why can’t I feel?” He breathes unevenly, stuttering out his words. He wouldn’t be caught dead around anyone else like this, but something about his relationship with the older was more intimate, comfortable. “I can’t feel things. I’m supposed to want to be in a relationship and I’m supposed to feel whatever sexual attraction feels like but there’s nothing but a beating vessel where my heart should be.” Dan gasped in one breath, and he could feel himself shaking, his world trembling because-

_From day one he wished he was normal._

Dan’s wishes never seem to come true.

“I’m a broken machine.” He mumbled. “Ryan is amazing. I should be able to love him, but I- I can’t. I tried and I can’t make myself feel anything for anyone and something's wrong with me.” Dan shook in pain, sobbing because for once, he just wanted to fit in.

He thought back to the times he was in a relationship, and he remembered how everything felt wrong, regardless of gender. He thought that it was just nerves. He thought he just felt the same for everyone, but instead- he didn’t feel anything for anyone except endearment. Friendship. He remembered the feeling where ‘like’ or ‘love’ should have been. The panic constricting around his bones, the strength that threatened to break them. He knew he was better off alone, he knew that about himself. But it just didn’t feel like it was okay. He felt as if deep down the urge to love someone would spring out of nowhere, and he would be happily in love for the rest of his life, but a nagging feeling at the back of his mind told him he already found the person he was meant to be with, and not in a romantic manor. He had to learn the difference between sexual desire and sexual attraction. He had to learn the difference between platonic admiration and romantic attraction. He wasn’t interested. In anyone. He wanted to be _friends_  with everyone. The thought of being in a relationship? He’d gag and shake his head, because that’s just not who he was. The thought of another person touching him in a sexual manner? Hell no.

But he couldn't fuck with another person's feelings and thats what he was  _doing_. He felt horrible but he just couldn't do anything to help, and he felt useless. 

But being left behind is his biggest fear and w _hat if everyone leaves you to start their own life?_

Dan was ripped out of his thoughts when his body was pulled into Phil’s.

“Dan, there’s a word for that. Its called being aromantic- sometimes but not always accompanied by being asexual. I found the definitions one time while looking through sexualities and genders.” Phil chuckles.The sound resonates comfortably through the air, and it somewhat calms Dan, letting him take breath. He feels slightly more at ease, and he relishes in the feeling- he knows it won’t last long. He knows his mind will come back to haunt him, but right now that seems okay. “You’re not broken, Dan. You’re far from it. You’re human, and there’s no ‘right’ way to be human. You’re fine just the way you are, and if not being sexually attracted to people, and not wanting to date is what that consists of, then so be it.” Phil finished, and Dan couldn’t help but laugh.

Maybe Phil couldn't understand perfectly just yet, but he’d get there. He was trying. Dan would get there too. Things would work themselves out. Dan knew he would eventually accept who he is and how he defines himself. He would talk to Ryan- eventually. He could sort himself out, and right now he had an amazing friend who was willing to help him, and thats all he's ever really wanted. 

Dan knew he would be okay.

Because  _not everyone was built to fall in love._

 

 


End file.
